


all that i want (is to wake up fine)

by chaoticqueer



Series: my list of trimberly oneshots [2]
Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, Suicidal Thoughts, Trini is so soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 11:31:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11184216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticqueer/pseuds/chaoticqueer
Summary: “Hey Princesa, what’s up?” Trini answers the call and Kimberly feels relief for a second. “Are you crying? Kim, are you hurt?” When she doesn’t answer for a few seconds, Trini sighs, “I’m coming over, okay? Are you home?”Kimberly doesn’t know how but she manages to mumble a cracked “Yes”.





	all that i want (is to wake up fine)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone. Yesterday was my birthday and it was... not good. So yeah when I was crying myself to sleep last night like a loser, I had this idea, so I thought I should share it with you guys.
> 
> Kimberly's feelings are inspired by my own feelings when I have bad days, but I know not everyone's experience is the same. If you relate to any of that, know that you are not alone and I care about you. 
> 
> Also, I feel that it's very important to mention that love doesn’t cure mental illness, but it’s so important when dealing with it. (not necessarily romantic love) 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this

Kimberly stares at her reflection in the mirror and takes a heavy breath. She can feel her hands shaking and the anger building inside her. Her thoughts run rampant and she knows there’s no way she’s not crying tonight.

_You’re no good, Kimberly. You’re always gonna be worthless. Nobody could ever love you, look at you! You’re disgusting. Maybe you should just die. Wouldn’t that be good? Think about it, the world would be so much better off without you in it. I bet no one would even miss you._

She tries not to listen to her own brain but with all the silence in her bedroom, her own voice is the only thing she can hear. Kimberly knows that’s just the depression talking, she knows just because she feels this way it doesn’t mean it’s the truth, but it’s so hard not to give in, she’s so tired of struggling, so tired of trying to get better and to love herself, maybe it’s not worth it.

Maybe she _should_ die.

Kimberly quickly glances at her cellphone and wonders if she should text her friends and let them know she can’t be alone right now, but she’s not strong enough. Deep down she hopes their ranger connection would be strong enough that they would know she needs company, but she’s not sure if that’s how it works.

She glances back up at her reflection and cracks the mirror with her fist. Kimberly can feel the sting but doesn’t care enough to do anything about it. She tries to control her breathing and ignore her automatic thoughts.

_Come on, Kim, focus. Good thoughts, you need good thoughts._

Warm tears roll down her cheeks even though Kimberly tries her hardest to keep them in. She aggressively wipes her face but the tears keep coming down. Her wounded hand still stings and for a second Kimberly lets herself feel the pain.

Her body shakes as sobs take over her and everything sucks and she wants to disappear.

_You’re gonna be alone for the rest of your life. Nobody cares. You are not a good person and you deserve that. You deserve to be hated and lonely and angry. Nothing is ever gonna change that._

Kimberly cries and cries and when she looks up at the broken mirror once again, her reflection is ugly and deformed. She closes her hands tightly and wishes she wasn’t a power ranger so she would feel all the pain she should be feeling right now. Her chest feels heavy and it takes all of Kim’s strength to keep standing there.

Maybe she should fight harder and text her friends. She doesn’t trust herself to be alone. Not in that moment. But then again, maybe it would be a good thing if she killed herself. Maybe the rangers would get a cool new pink ranger who would be so much better and braver and stronger than Kimberly will ever be.

She reaches for her cellphone and presses speed dial before she can convince herself to die.

_Calling Trini…_

Kimberly doesn’t say anything into the phone, just lets herself sit down on the floor with her back pressed against the bed and sobs.

“Hey Princesa, what’s up?” Trini answers the call and Kimberly feels relief for a second. “Are you crying? Kim, are you hurt?” When she doesn’t answer for a few seconds, Trini sighs, “I’m coming over, okay? Are you home?”

Kimberly doesn’t know how but she manages to mumble a cracked “Yes”.

“I’ll be there in less than five minutes, have you called the guys?” Kim can hear movement in the background and she knows Trini is running by now.

“No. Don’t.”

“Okay.”

Kimberly keeps crying with her cellphone pressed to her ear and she doesn’t know how long it’s been but Trini suddenly climbs through her window and notices the broken mirror right away but doesn’t say anything about it.

Trini calmly sits down next to Kim, who looks small. The short girl gently rubs her friend’s back.

“I’m here, Kimmy, I’m here.”

Kimberly forcefully closes her eyes and nods.

Trini glances at Kim’s right hand and doesn’t miss the dried blood on her knuckles. As fast as she can, Trini runs into the bathroom and grabs the first aid kit she knew Jason had got her and sits back down next to her friend to start taking care of her bruise.

“Do you wanna tell me what happened here?” Trini questions, calmly cleaning Kimberly’s bloody hand.

The girl sniffs and wipes her tears away with her free hand, shaking her head in a silent no.

“Alright, we don’t need to talk about it.”

Kimberly lets out a whimper when Trini takes a tiny shard that was embedded on her skin and finishes cleaning her hand. The short girl then applies the proper medicine to her friend’s wound, wraps it up, and caringly presses a soft kiss to her wet cheek.

“There, all better.”

Normally, Trini would never be as gentle and affectionate, but seeing how shaken Kimberly looks, she figures she needs it.

“But that’s not why you called, was it?”

Kimberly sniffs again, “I thought we didn’t have to- to talk about it.”

Trini nods quietly, “We don’t. That was more of a rhetorical question, really.” She touches Kim’s shoulder with as much softness as she can muster. “Here’s what we’re gonna do: You’re going to lie down on your bed and I’m gonna keep you company until you feel better. How does that sound?”

Trini gets up and helps Kimberly to her feet after the girl nods. While her friend gets settled on the bed, Trini quickly puts the first aid kit back in the bathroom.

“Trini?” Kim calls, her voice weak and desperate.

“Yes?” She walks back into her friend’s bedroom.

“Will you lie down with me?”

Trini nods and calmly makes herself comfortable next to Kimberly.

“You know I’m not sentimental or anything, but, uh, I’m really worried about you.” She comments, looking up at the ceiling fan.

Kimberly doesn’t reply, just stands still, lying on her side, her back to Trini.

“What I’m trying to say is that I- I care about you, Kim, you know that. I don’t know what’s happening to you and that’s scary because I don’t- I don’t want to… I don’t want to lose you.” She stops for a second and sighs, getting angry for blushing at a time like that.

_This is not about you, dumbass, it’s about Kimberly._

She’s almost given up waiting for a response when Kim finally starts talking.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Trini frowns, “What? What are you sorry about?”, she turns to her side and eyes Kimberly’s back.

“Worrying you, I guess. And-“ She cuts herself off suddenly.

Trini gently pulls her friend’s shoulder so that she’s lying on her back. Kim’s face is still wet.

“You can tell me anything, princesa.” The short girl grabs Kimberly’s hand and gives it a comforting squeeze.

Kimberly takes a few minutes to think about her words. Then, sighs.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Trini. But I was thinking about- I called because I was thinking about-“ She stops herself and sighs once again, shaking her head lightly.

“I know.” Trini replies, smiling sadly.

Kimberly frowns, “If you knew then why did you- why did you ask?”

“Sometimes it helps to let it out.”

It’s silence for a few minutes before Kimberly starts talking again.

“How?”

Trini takes a deep breath before squeezing Kim’s warm hand gently.

“I’m very observant, I know you pretty well, and… I’ve been there before.”

Kimberly shifts in the mattress so she’s facing her friend, lying down on her side, and frowns, “You have?”

Trini nods quietly, “I’m a gay girl with a religious family, Kimmy. Don’t you think I haven’t hated myself for who I am? I might be past that now but it was a journey.”

“I’m sorry you’ve felt that way, it really sucks to hate yourself, I would know.” Kimberly’s eyes fill up with tears again.

Trini softly cups Kim’s cheek and wipes away a single tear.

“Listen, thinking all of those bad things about yourself doesn’t make any of them real. Besides, everything is subjective. For example, some people think Benedict Cumberbatch is handsome. I might be biased since I’m gay as fuck but to me that man looks like ET if he had a few face lifts done and wore a human as a mask.” Kimberly lets out a loud laugh, “Am I wrong?” Trini joins in on the laughter for a few seconds before continuing, “Plus, some people think Donald Trump is not a fucking monster but that doesn’t change the fact that he is.”

“Thank you, Trini.” Kim replies, after a few seconds.

 “Anytime. My point is, you’re allowed to feel however you feel, but don’t take it as the undiscussable truth. Personally, I think you’re, uh… you know, pretty good.” Trini smiles embarrassingly.

“You think I’m pretty good, huh?” Kimberly jokes, her tears now drying on her face.

“Come on! You know how I feel about you, Kimmy. Don’t torture me like this.” She pouts just a little bit.

Kim gently caresses Trini’s cheek and looks serious again, “I know. I’m sorry- for all of this. It’s unfair I keep teasing you and calling you and- and making you comfort me and be around me when you feel the way you do and know I can’t be with you yet.” She sighs, “I’m _so_ sorry. You know I feel the same way. I just- I need time, I need to, I don’t know, maybe hate myself a little less.”

Trini covers Kimberly’s hand with her own. “You don’t need to apologize. If I have to wait for the rest of my life, I will. And even if you didn’t feel the same way, I’d still be here, because you’re my friend, Kim. That’s what matters the most to me.”

It’s quiet for a few minutes, the girls just looking at each other.

“I know that doesn’t solve anything. I know just because I disagree with the way you see yourself doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly stop feeling the way you do.” Trini comments, sad.

Kimberly smiles oddly, “It does though. Solve something, I mean.” The short girl frowns.

“You see, I don’t always want to die, I don’t always hate myself that much. I have highs and lows. Today, my depression is very present and it feeds on my self-hatred, but I know tomorrow I’ll feel better. Just like I always do. I know I’m gonna feel this way again eventually, but when that time comes, I’m just gonna have to work through it just like I’m doing right now. So you didn’t cure my depression, unfortunately that’s not how it works, but you being here really helps me stay grounded and wait this out.”

Kimberly presses a quick kiss to Trini’s nose, “You’re not losing me. I feel completely awful on times like this but as long as I hold on for enough time, I get through it.” She smiles, “Plus, I might always hate myself but I think you could love me enough for the two of us.”

Trini hides her face on Kimberly’s neck, “You have no idea how hard it is for me not to kiss you right now.”

Kimberly sighs, “I do know, it’s hard for me too.” She wraps her arms around Trini’s waist. “Soon?”

“Soon.” Trini whispers, her voice muffled by Kim’s neck.

“For now, can we cuddle until I fall asleep?” Kimberly gently runs her fingers through Trini’s hair.

“I vote yes.” She replies, sighing in contentment.

“Will you sing for me?”

Trini stays quiet for a few seconds, before reluctantly agreeing.

“Thank you for coming, I really needed company.”

“You can always count on me, princesa. Always.” Trini shifts on the mattress before pressing a soft kiss to Kimberly’s forehead.

Kimberly might still hate herself and her depression might still whisper bad thoughts to her brain, but with Trini close to her, she knows she was wrong before, she _is_ loved, and she’s almost certain she’s not going to die alone. A worse day may still come, but Kimberly is not giving up. She’s fighting for Trini, she’s fighting for her friends, but most importantly, she’s fighting for _herself_.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you liked it, let me know! <3
> 
> If that gives you guys just a little bit of hope then my job was well done. Don't give up, guys, you are loved and important!
> 
> Ps: no shade if you like benedict cumberbatch lmao i'm just not attracted to him at all 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr as elenalvrz and twitter as @HeyNanda97


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